sir, echofon is a program, not a device. (gingasaur) wrote in the_death_wing,
sir, echofon is a program, not a device.
gingasaur
the_death_wing

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Fight 3 - C.J. vs. Andy





[FADE IN - It's evening. GINGA, ORANGE, C.J., TOBY, MOLLY, HUCK, and SPECIAL GUEST STAR "CHIPS" (aka dallirious) are all sitting around a campfire at Camp David. TOBY is reclining with a sleeping bag under his head, reading a book. CHIPS is snuggled up in her sleeping bag, dozing peacfully. The rest are gleefully roasting marshmallows with which to make smores.]

GINGA:
Someone tell a ghost story.

ORANGE:
[accidently sets her marshmallow on fire] AH! [blows it out]

GINGA:
AHAHA. [notices flames beginning to lick her marshmallow and gasps loudly] NO! [blows on it excessively] Aww... now it's been blackened.

ORANGE:
KARMA.

GINGA:
Yeah, your face has karma. Someone tell a goddamned ghost story.

ORANGE:
[sinks her teeth into her burnt marshmallow smore] Mmmm, crispy.

HUCK:
[pokes GINGA with the marshmallow on his stick]

GINGA:
[watches it stick to her arm] EEW! Noo! That's nasty!

HUCK:
[his bottom lip quivers and his eyes become wide] Molly did it.

ORANGE:
[giggles and hugs Huck]

HUCK:
[gags] Orange smells like fish!

ORANGE:
CHIPS DID IT. [glares at her]

CHIPS:
[tiredly poking her head out of her sleeping bag] ...mmm, what?

ORANGE:
You made me smell like fish!

CHIPS:
Dude. You had it coming. It was just that the fish barrel was the closest thing to attack you with.

GINGA:
[points to Huck] And you! You smell like... something smelly, you little rat. [continues picking melted marshmallow off her arm]

HUCK:
[freaks out and runs to hide behind C.J.]

GINGA:
Yeah, you better run!

CHIPS:
Ginga, he's six; leave him alone!

C.J.:
Seriously. You're awfully mean. [pats HUCK on the head]

GINGA:
[her eyes grow wide and her bottom lip begins quivering as she whimpers]

HUCK:
[sticks out his tongue at GINGA]

ORANGE:
[smells herself] I need to go jump in the lake or something.

GINGA:
I think jumping in the lake would make it worse. Is there even a lake here? I can't remember.

ORANGE:
ARE THERE SHOWERS!?

CHIPS:
[giggles] If you jump in the river the fish might think you're trying to mate with them!

GINGA:
[snorts]

ORANGE:
Oh yeah, don't drink the water. Fish have sex in it. I'm just saying.

GINGA:
[falls over laughing]

CHIPS:
[scrunches up her nose and disappears back into the sleeping bag]

ANDY:
[walks up] What's so funny?

C.J.:
Your face! [eats her smore]

ANDY:
[scoff] Real adult, Claudia.

GINGA:
[cracks up even harder, and almost rolls into the fire] WHOA! HOT. [backs away quickly]

ORANGE:
[laughs 'till she almost pees]

TOBY:
[looks up from his book and rolls his eyes] Another night of being subjected to this immature insanity...

C.J.:
Oh, please, just eat a smore.

CHIPS:
[quickly unzips her sleeping bag and sits up] DAMN IT, C.J.! [begins pelting her with the olives that were stuffed into the sleeping bag]

C.J.:
Gotcha! [giggles] Congratulations on your hazing, Special Guest Star Chips.

CHIPS:
Gee, thanks. I guess that makes me one of the guys now.

GINGA:
At least you didn't get pie'd. [looks at C.J. and frowns]

C.J.:
[grins]

CHIPS:
You got pie'd? Eew!

ORANGE:
[bursts out laughing] I forgot about that!

C.J.:
Just a little initiation into our world for the newbies. When they suddenly showed up with no explanation, what were supposed to do? Let them run free? Oh no. They needed a little introductory thing first. Pie seemed fitting since they brought that cake.

CHIPS:
So was this a ritual when you joined up, Ceej?

C.J.:
Nope. We characters don't get any kind of initiation. You know why? 'cause we're too busy beating the crap out of each other. [notices she has no more marshmallows... and reaches over to ANDY and takes the one she's about to roast]

ANDY:
C.J.! What the hell!?

C.J.:
[roasting her new marshmallow] Yay!

JOSH:
[struts up to the group] Did I just hear you say 'beat the crap out of each other, 'cause I insisted Donna tell me when the woman-on-woman action started happening.

CHIPS:
[throws a pillow at JOSH]

GINGA:
Hey, Josh. We're out of marshmallows, so, sucks to be you.

JOSH:
[tossing the pillow back at CHIPS] Hey, I didn't come here to have things thrown at me and marshmallows kept from me. Is it so wrong I just wanted to see C.J. and Congresswoman Wyatt mud wrestle?

CHIPS:
Mud wrestle?

ANDY:
[ignoring JOSH] I was going to roast that for Molly!

C.J.:
Aww, Molly, you don't mind, do you?

MOLLY:
No, they make my mouth hurt.

C.J.:
Maybe if your mommy was around more she'd know that, too! [smiles at ANDY]

MOLLY:
[bottom lip quivers]

ANDY:
[stares at C.J.] What did you just say?

MOLLY:
[bursts into tears]

CHIPS:
Oh my God, C.J., you made the kid cry!

C.J.:
Wasn't me. [glares at ANDY]

JOSH:
[chanting] Mud wrestle, mud wrestle.

ANDY:
It was you and I demand you apologize! How DARE you say that!

C.J.:
[smirks, ignores ANDY, and eats her smore]

ANDY:
God, C.J., you're such a bitch!

TOBY:
Andy, do you have to get all worked up? I'm reading here.

C.J.:
Yeah, Andy, do you have to get so worked up? [munch munch]

TOBY:
C.J., do you really have to start something? Can't you wait till we're not relaxing at Camp David? Is it too much to ask, people, that I read in peace!?

LEO:
[walks up and sits down] Give me a smore.

ORANGE:
God, Leo, you ever hear of the word "please"?

LEO:
No.

ORANGE:
[rolls her eyes] Nice to see you, too.

CHIPS:
Hey, Leo. [tosses him a bag of marshmallows she was hiding in her bag]

LEO:
That's more like it. [tears open the bag] And you two, [glares at C.J. and ANDY] don't try anything funny 'till morning. We don't have our little microphones.

ANDY:
[shouting] This is ridiculous!

C.J.:
What, the new bag of marshmallows or, you know... your face? You do know you're the only one of us with red hair, right? Doesn't that make you a succubus or something?

TOBY:
...Ginger has red hair.

LEO:
What did I just say, C.J.?

CHIPS:
Whilst watching TV the other day I realized that redheads are always portrayed as tall, intelligent and independant women...

ORANGE:
[snorts]

CHIPS:
[tosses another fish at ORANGE]

ORANGE:
HEY. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.

CHIPS:
IT SLIPPED!

ORANGE:
UH-HUH, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. I'M WATCHING YOU.

JOSH:
Ooh, even better! Girl-on-girl commentator brawl!

GINGA:
The hell!? You're such a freak! Since when did your name change to Joey Tribbiani?

JOSH:
Since Donna refused to make out with Amy.

ORANGE:
[bursts out laughing]

LEO:
Josh, do we need to give you a minute so you can go watch some porn?

JOSH:
I would, but, Donna burned all my tapes.

LEO:
[smacks hand against forehead]

CHIPS:
[giggle] Donna's a feisty little thing.

ANDY:
[Andy, having sat far too long watching the insanity around her, stands up, walks over to C.J., and gives her a nice, hard bitch slap.]

C.J.:
WHOA! What the hell, Andy!?

ANDY:
WHORE!

C.J.:
[throws her marshmallow stick on the ground and stands up]

ANDY:
That was for calling me a bad mother!

ORANGE:
Oh noes!

C.J.:
Well, come on! You were only in what, 10 episodes? You know how many I'VE been in!? IT WOULD TAKE A WHILE TO COUNT 'EM!

GINGA:
Gah! Microphone! I need you!

ORANGE:
Just talk really loud.

[GINGA's microphone suddenly pops into her hands and she gasps]

GINGA:
WHOA! Cool!

MOLLY:
[bouncing up and down] GO MOMMA GO!

LEO:
[thinks about his microphone, and watches as it pops into his hands] There's something really kinda freakish about that.

ANDY:
Big deal with the episodes! At least I didnt sleep with a complete stranger at my high school reunion!

CHIPS:
Whoa, how did Andy know that? [a book labelled "THE DEATH WING: USER MANUAL" drops into her hands] Ooh, okay...

C.J.:
[growls as a katana pops into her hands] Whoa. Awesome.

GINGA:
...I think there's something magical about Camp David... [thinks about a box of Wheat Thins and squees when one appears in front of her] OH MY GOD CAMP DAVID ROCKS SO HARD. [dives a hand into the box]

ORANGE:
I need a mic! [tries to make it pop into her hand and fails, ending up with a pink Barbie mic instead]

GINGA:
Well, okay, nobody think about the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, alright?

CHIPS:
...too late.

ORANGE:
[rolls on the ground laughing]

[The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man appears, but it's over the fire, so...]

CHIPS:
Smore, anyone?

ANDY:
[a flashlight appears in her hands and she tackles C.J.]

CHIPS:
Whoa! Look at Andy put that flashlight to use! ...I didn't know you could do that with a flashlight... [flips through the manual]

C.J.:
[smacks ANDY in the face with the end of her sword]

HUCK:
GO AUNT CEEJAAAAY!

MOLLY:
[frowns] No! You have to root for Mommy!

HUCK:
No, Ceejaaayyyy.

MOLLY:
GO MOMMYYYYY.

HUCK:
[punches MOLLY in the arm]

MOLLY:
G... go Mom...my... [cries]

ANDY:
[shines the light in C.J.'s eyes and wields the machete that pops into her hands]

C.J.:
[flails] AHHH, BRIGHTNESS!

CHIPS:
NOO! C.J.! GET UP!

C.J.:
[rolls out of the way]

ANDY:
[crazy war cry]

C.J.:
[Xena yell]

LEO:
What's with all the yelling!? Why don't they just get it over with?

GINGA:
I don't know but... it's kinda weird that they're just circling each other. Looking mean.

C.J.:
I'm gonna take your fuckin' head, Andy!

ORANGE:
They're ANIMALSSSSSS.

GINGA:
[gasp] Language! LANGUAGE! There are kids here!

[everything turns black and white]

CHIPS:
Whoa! Check it out! I'm in an old movie.

MOLLY:
[continues to cry]

GINGA:
WHAT HAPPENED!?

ANDY:
BRING IT, BITCH! [twirls the machete]

GINGA:
GAH, I DON'T ENJOY BEING IN MONOCHROME!

HUCK:
...[tugs on LEO's shirt, his face suggesting he has been pondering something for a while] Uncle Leo, what's "fuckin'" mean?

LEO:
Oh jeez.

GINGA:
It's what a mommy and daddy do when one doesn't accuse the other of being sad.

TOBY:
Could you maybe not teach my children... anything?

C.J.:
[holds her sword steady in front of her] I was wondering, just between us girls... what did you say to Aaron Sorkin for him to snatch out your SOUL?

CHIPS:
[chanting while pelting the still-melting mashmallow man with olives] Andy is the Devil, Andy is the Devil...

ANDY:
Well, how many men did you have to screw to become Chief of Staff?

TOBY:
Andrea, are you completely insane!?

C.J.:
I don't know, Andy. How many did you have to screw to get on Desperate Housewives?

ANDY:
[lunges at her, trying to stab her]

ORANGE:
RUN, C.J.! SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU!

TOBY:
Can we turn off this black and white texture? It's making Andy look sick.

GINGA:
I think this may be a sign that there's gonna be blood, so, no.

CHIPS:
[plays with the 'technicolour' switch] Black and White, Colour, Black and White, Colour!

ORANGE:
[spazzes out] MY EYES!

GINGA:
THE COLORS, DUKE, THE COLORS! [flail]

C.J.:
[gets distracted and also flails]

CHIPS:
[tosses ORANGE a pair of 3-D glasses] This is freakier.

ORANGE:
AM I ON ACID!?

C.J.:
[covers her eyes and hides behind a tree]

ANDY:
[stumbles around, dazed]

JOSH:
Heeey, lemme see. [snatches the 3-D glasses]

CHIPS:
ANDY'S STUNNED BY MY CRAZY LIGHTING! GET HER, C.J.!

C.J.:
I... I can't see straight! [pokes her sword out and tries to stab something with it]

CHIPS:
[stops playing with the switch and leaves in it black and white]

ORANGE:
Come on, C.J.! Now's your chance!

C.J.:
[sees ANDY and runs for her. She jumps up in the air, katana raised above her head, with super slow-motion action!]

ANDY:
[backflips and kicks C.J. in the chin]

C.J.:
OH, CRAP! [crashes to the ground]

TOBY:
[stares at ANDY] I didn't know she could do that...

CHIPS:
With moves like that it's no wonder your marriage didn't work.

C.J.:
[kicks ANDY's legs]

ANDY:
[falls to the ground]

HUCK:
[mouth open in awe, he quickly flings a fish into the mix]

CHIPS:
Oh yay, Huck! You learn fast! [hugs him]

C.J.:
[spears the fish instead of ANDY] Damn it!

ANDY:
[tucks and rolls out of danger]

CHIPS:
Uh-oh, now we're in trouble. [hides in a hollow log with HUCK]

C.J.:
[slashes in a downward direction and ends up cutting half of ANDY's hair off.]

GINGA:
Oh my! Half of Andy's hair has been completely sheared away!

ANDY:
Not only do you suck at leading you suck at cutting hair, too! Do you have any talent?

C.J.:
I can assure you that it's somewhere in the White House! But hey, at least I'm not a whore of Congress!

ANDY:
[screams and lunges]

CHIPS:
[randomly feels the urge to scream] MARYLAND!

C.J.:
WIS-FUCKING-CONSIN! [stabs ANDY in the stomach]

ORANGE:
[gasps] Oh my God! Is it deep!?

C.J.:
[drives the katana in further] Mmmaybe.

ANDY:
[holds stomach and gasps]

[ANDY falls dramatically to the ground, in special slow-mo style]

GINGA:
[mouth drops, lip quivers] It really was a Hattori Hanzo sword...

LEO:
What the hell are you going on about?

ORANGE:
OH MY GOD! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!

CHIPS:
[unable to look away] Can you really lose that much blood...?

GINGA:
HIDE THE KIDS! UM, DON'T WORRY, THAT RED STUFF'S JUST JELL-O, YOU GUYS!

[Suddenly, a large red Jell-o mold comes crashing down onto ANDY. It wiggles.]

GINGA:
Um. [stares at the Jell-o]

HUCK:
[points and squeals] JELL-O!

LEO:
And Camp David continues to work its magic.

ORANGE:
AAHH, WHERE'S STANLEY! I NEED TO TALK THIS OUT! I NEED TO HUG THIS OUT! [curls into a ball]

MOLLY:
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ANDY suddenly re-appears beside her and she gasps before jumping up and down, yelling] I WANT A PONY!

CHIPS:
...Does this mean C.J. wins?

ORANGE:
Jell-o... Jell-o every where [has the crazy eye]

C.J.:
Jeez, Andy, you alright? I guess I didn't originally intend to stab you.

ANDY:
I'm never doing this again.

JOSH:
You sure, Congresswoman? I mean, now we've got Jell-o...

C.J.:
Okay, whatever. Toby? Let's go get smashed.

ANDY:
Molly, do you and Huck want to go get some ice cream?

MOLLY and HUCK:
YEAH! [they jump up and down]

TOBY:
Okay, let's go. I'm gonna have four Jack Daniels, what are you gonna have?

C.J.:
A Grasshopper, of course!

[A huge grasshopper - the insect, not the drink - comes crashing down out of the sky.]

GRASSHOPPER:
CHIRP.

ORANGE:
[screams]

CHIPS:
OH MY GOD!

ORANGE:
[pees a little]

GINGA:
[points] HOPPERZILLA!

ORANGE:
HOOBASTAAAANK!

CHIPS:
RUN AWAY!

GINGA:
[dashes away into the distance]

ORANGE:
[stares, then dashes]

CHIPS:
FIIIIISH! [throws a fish at the grasshopper]

GRASSHOPPER:
[eats the fish whole]

LEO:
Josh, I think you should stay. [sprints away]

GRASSHOPPER:
[screams like a lion]

JOSH:
...yikes... this is bad. [high-tails it outta there]

C.J.:
Ahahaha... [pulls TOBY along with her as she runs away]

TOBY:
Ow. Owowow! Slow down! Your legs are too long; I can't keep up with you!

GINGA:
[as she's running] OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR THIS TIME! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER! GAH! [runs faster]

GRASSHOPPER:
RRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR

[The giant grasshopper knocks the camera down, disrupting the transmission. The screen fizzles a moment before going black.]

[TITLE CARD: The flamingo rejoined her Topol, and all is right in the White House.]

[FADE OUT]

Executive Producers
Fuyu Ginga
Orangespaces
Forensic Angel
YOUR FACE!

And as a special treat because this took so long... this time we have... bloopers!

---

C.J.
[giggles hysterically] I'm sorry, I just... I can't when she's... [collapses in a fit of laughter]

ANDY:
[turns around with Jell-o looking like it's coming out of her nose] What?

---

GINGA:
[screaming] NO, HUCK, NO, THE MARSHMALLOW GOES ON MY ARM, NOT IN MY HAIR!

---

ORANGE:
[runs away from the grasshopper]

[trips]

---

TOBY:
[gazing up at the Kill Toby picture] What does this have to do with anything that just happened here? Shouldn't it be Kill Will or something?

WILL:
[pops in] HEY!

---

C.J.:
[she jumps in the air, lands, and holds out her sword, whereupon the blade promptly falls off. She laughs hysterically.]

---

[C.J. and ANDY are circling each other, when AINSLEY dances across the screen in her bathrobe.]

AINSLEY:
BLAME IT ON THE BOSSA NOVA! WITH HIS MAGIC SPELL!

---

JOSH:
[stares into the camera and says] POOOOOOORN.

---

[C.J. and ANDY mock-sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"]

TOBY:
[facing the camera] This is what happens when women watch movies.

---

GINGA:
MICROPHONE! I NEEEEEED YOU!

[the mic drops onto her head]

Oh... ow.

---

CHIPS:
So I hit you with the fish?

ORANGE:
Yeah, but not too hard... hey... are we rolling?

CAMERAMAN STEVE:
Yeah.

ORANGE:
Oh...

...Do you want me to do something?

---

Final Tally:
C.J. - 7
Andy - 2
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  • 13 comments
No really, all I got to say... POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN

This was a fun match. :P
Really fun! Can't wait for the next onnnne. I'll put up the new poll tomorrow. Er. Later today.
OMG, that was soooo funny!!! Guys, I'm so glad you got me to join up pver here. This is so much fun!!

There are so many bits that I love, I'm just going to wait for AJ's top ten.

You guys rock!
Guess what made me squee? THIS COMMENT! So glad you came, too. x3
And did I mention how awesome the graphic is?! I think I might have, but I'm gonna do it again. I think it's just the best thing I've ever seen.

Except for the season 4 bob. The bob rules.

I think I might just read this again. Because it's so damn funny.

BRING IT, BITCH!!!!

lmfao.

Deleted comment

DON'T WORRY, THE BOB TOTALLY BLOWS. I'M ON WHATEVER SIDE YOU'RE ON.

Deleted comment

I'm not promoting, I'm informing.

I've got to say, I can't understand why the bob gets so much flack. I think it's smart.

Deleted comment

It's not. It's smart. So shut up.

And get online so we can post our lists!!

Deleted comment

Yeah you guys seriously need to hurry up. lol.
ok, it's probably my fault then, because I've been really tired this week and going to bed absurdly early. I think the time difference between Wales (that was a joke, right?) is about 4 or 5 hours. So I shall try to stay up til you come on tonight.

Deleted comment

Can't you guys just do it seperately or something?

Deleted comment

I really look forward to these lists every time. xD

This picture seems to be a startingly big hit.

The next one isssss...

the paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista vs. the elitist Harvard facist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
OMG YAY!!!

*prints out "I LIVED THE DREAM" sticker and slaps it on shirt*