sir, echofon is a program, not a device. (gingasaur) wrote in the_death_wing,
sir, echofon is a program, not a device.
gingasaur
the_death_wing

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Fight 3 - C.J. vs. Andy





[FADE IN - It's evening. GINGA, ORANGE, C.J., TOBY, MOLLY, HUCK, and SPECIAL GUEST STAR "CHIPS" (aka dallirious) are all sitting around a campfire at Camp David. TOBY is reclining with a sleeping bag under his head, reading a book. CHIPS is snuggled up in her sleeping bag, dozing peacfully. The rest are gleefully roasting marshmallows with which to make smores.]

GINGA:
Someone tell a ghost story.

ORANGE:
[accidently sets her marshmallow on fire] AH! [blows it out]

GINGA:
AHAHA. [notices flames beginning to lick her marshmallow and gasps loudly] NO! [blows on it excessively] Aww... now it's been blackened.

ORANGE:
KARMA.

GINGA:
Yeah, your face has karma. Someone tell a goddamned ghost story.

ORANGE:
[sinks her teeth into her burnt marshmallow smore] Mmmm, crispy.

HUCK:
[pokes GINGA with the marshmallow on his stick]

GINGA:
[watches it stick to her arm] EEW! Noo! That's nasty!

HUCK:
[his bottom lip quivers and his eyes become wide] Molly did it.

ORANGE:
[giggles and hugs Huck]

HUCK:
[gags] Orange smells like fish!

ORANGE:
CHIPS DID IT. [glares at her]

CHIPS:
[tiredly poking her head out of her sleeping bag] ...mmm, what?

ORANGE:
You made me smell like fish!

CHIPS:
Dude. You had it coming. It was just that the fish barrel was the closest thing to attack you with.

GINGA:
[points to Huck] And you! You smell like... something smelly, you little rat. [continues picking melted marshmallow off her arm]

HUCK:
[freaks out and runs to hide behind C.J.]

GINGA:
Yeah, you better run!

CHIPS:
Ginga, he's six; leave him alone!

C.J.:
Seriously. You're awfully mean. [pats HUCK on the head]

GINGA:
[her eyes grow wide and her bottom lip begins quivering as she whimpers]

HUCK:
[sticks out his tongue at GINGA]

ORANGE:
[smells herself] I need to go jump in the lake or something.

GINGA:
I think jumping in the lake would make it worse. Is there even a lake here? I can't remember.

ORANGE:
ARE THERE SHOWERS!?

CHIPS:
[giggles] If you jump in the river the fish might think you're trying to mate with them!

GINGA:
[snorts]

ORANGE:
Oh yeah, don't drink the water. Fish have sex in it. I'm just saying.

GINGA:
[falls over laughing]

CHIPS:
[scrunches up her nose and disappears back into the sleeping bag]

ANDY:
[walks up] What's so funny?

C.J.:
Your face! [eats her smore]

ANDY:
[scoff] Real adult, Claudia.

GINGA:
[cracks up even harder, and almost rolls into the fire] WHOA! HOT. [backs away quickly]

ORANGE:
[laughs 'till she almost pees]

TOBY:
[looks up from his book and rolls his eyes] Another night of being subjected to this immature insanity...

C.J.:
Oh, please, just eat a smore.

CHIPS:
[quickly unzips her sleeping bag and sits up] DAMN IT, C.J.! [begins pelting her with the olives that were stuffed into the sleeping bag]

C.J.:
Gotcha! [giggles] Congratulations on your hazing, Special Guest Star Chips.

CHIPS:
Gee, thanks. I guess that makes me one of the guys now.

GINGA:
At least you didn't get pie'd. [looks at C.J. and frowns]

C.J.:
[grins]

CHIPS:
You got pie'd? Eew!

ORANGE:
[bursts out laughing] I forgot about that!

C.J.:
Just a little initiation into our world for the newbies. When they suddenly showed up with no explanation, what were supposed to do? Let them run free? Oh no. They needed a little introductory thing first. Pie seemed fitting since they brought that cake.

CHIPS:
So was this a ritual when you joined up, Ceej?

C.J.:
Nope. We characters don't get any kind of initiation. You know why? 'cause we're too busy beating the crap out of each other. [notices she has no more marshmallows... and reaches over to ANDY and takes the one she's about to roast]

ANDY:
C.J.! What the hell!?

C.J.:
[roasting her new marshmallow] Yay!

JOSH:
[struts up to the group] Did I just hear you say 'beat the crap out of each other, 'cause I insisted Donna tell me when the woman-on-woman action started happening.

CHIPS:
[throws a pillow at JOSH]

GINGA:
Hey, Josh. We're out of marshmallows, so, sucks to be you.

JOSH:
[tossing the pillow back at CHIPS] Hey, I didn't come here to have things thrown at me and marshmallows kept from me. Is it so wrong I just wanted to see C.J. and Congresswoman Wyatt mud wrestle?

CHIPS:
Mud wrestle?

ANDY:
[ignoring JOSH] I was going to roast that for Molly!

C.J.:
Aww, Molly, you don't mind, do you?

MOLLY:
No, they make my mouth hurt.

C.J.:
Maybe if your mommy was around more she'd know that, too! [smiles at ANDY]

MOLLY:
[bottom lip quivers]

ANDY:
[stares at C.J.] What did you just say?

MOLLY:
[bursts into tears]

CHIPS:
Oh my God, C.J., you made the kid cry!

C.J.:
Wasn't me. [glares at ANDY]

JOSH:
[chanting] Mud wrestle, mud wrestle.

ANDY:
It was you and I demand you apologize! How DARE you say that!

C.J.:
[smirks, ignores ANDY, and eats her smore]

ANDY:
God, C.J., you're such a bitch!

TOBY:
Andy, do you have to get all worked up? I'm reading here.

C.J.:
Yeah, Andy, do you have to get so worked up? [munch munch]

TOBY:
C.J., do you really have to start something? Can't you wait till we're not relaxing at Camp David? Is it too much to ask, people, that I read in peace!?

LEO:
[walks up and sits down] Give me a smore.

ORANGE:
God, Leo, you ever hear of the word "please"?

LEO:
No.

ORANGE:
[rolls her eyes] Nice to see you, too.

CHIPS:
Hey, Leo. [tosses him a bag of marshmallows she was hiding in her bag]

LEO:
That's more like it. [tears open the bag] And you two, [glares at C.J. and ANDY] don't try anything funny 'till morning. We don't have our little microphones.

ANDY:
[shouting] This is ridiculous!

C.J.:
What, the new bag of marshmallows or, you know... your face? You do know you're the only one of us with red hair, right? Doesn't that make you a succubus or something?

TOBY:
...Ginger has red hair.

LEO:
What did I just say, C.J.?

CHIPS:
Whilst watching TV the other day I realized that redheads are always portrayed as tall, intelligent and independant women...

ORANGE:
[snorts]

CHIPS:
[tosses another fish at ORANGE]

ORANGE:
HEY. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.

CHIPS:
IT SLIPPED!

ORANGE:
UH-HUH, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. I'M WATCHING YOU.

JOSH:
Ooh, even better! Girl-on-girl commentator brawl!

GINGA:
The hell!? You're such a freak! Since when did your name change to Joey Tribbiani?

JOSH:
Since Donna refused to make out with Amy.

ORANGE:
[bursts out laughing]

LEO:
Josh, do we need to give you a minute so you can go watch some porn?

JOSH:
I would, but, Donna burned all my tapes.

LEO:
[smacks hand against forehead]

CHIPS:
[giggle] Donna's a feisty little thing.

ANDY:
[Andy, having sat far too long watching the insanity around her, stands up, walks over to C.J., and gives her a nice, hard bitch slap.]

C.J.:
WHOA! What the hell, Andy!?

ANDY:
WHORE!

C.J.:
[throws her marshmallow stick on the ground and stands up]

ANDY:
That was for calling me a bad mother!

ORANGE:
Oh noes!

C.J.:
Well, come on! You were only in what, 10 episodes? You know how many I'VE been in!? IT WOULD TAKE A WHILE TO COUNT 'EM!

GINGA:
Gah! Microphone! I need you!

ORANGE:
Just talk really loud.

[GINGA's microphone suddenly pops into her hands and she gasps]

GINGA:
WHOA! Cool!

MOLLY:
[bouncing up and down] GO MOMMA GO!

LEO:
[thinks about his microphone, and watches as it pops into his hands] There's something really kinda freakish about that.

ANDY:
Big deal with the episodes! At least I didnt sleep with a complete stranger at my high school reunion!

CHIPS:
Whoa, how did Andy know that? [a book labelled "THE DEATH WING: USER MANUAL" drops into her hands] Ooh, okay...

C.J.:
[growls as a katana pops into her hands] Whoa. Awesome.

GINGA:
...I think there's something magical about Camp David... [thinks about a box of Wheat Thins and squees when one appears in front of her] OH MY GOD CAMP DAVID ROCKS SO HARD. [dives a hand into the box]

ORANGE:
I need a mic! [tries to make it pop into her hand and fails, ending up with a pink Barbie mic instead]

GINGA:
Well, okay, nobody think about the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, alright?

CHIPS:
...too late.

ORANGE:
[rolls on the ground laughing]

[The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man appears, but it's over the fire, so...]

CHIPS:
Smore, anyone?

ANDY:
[a flashlight appears in her hands and she tackles C.J.]

CHIPS:
Whoa! Look at Andy put that flashlight to use! ...I didn't know you could do that with a flashlight... [flips through the manual]

C.J.:
[smacks ANDY in the face with the end of her sword]

HUCK:
GO AUNT CEEJAAAAY!

MOLLY:
[frowns] No! You have to root for Mommy!

HUCK:
No, Ceejaaayyyy.

MOLLY:
GO MOMMYYYYY.

HUCK:
[punches MOLLY in the arm]

MOLLY:
G... go Mom...my... [cries]

ANDY:
[shines the light in C.J.'s eyes and wields the machete that pops into her hands]

C.J.:
[flails] AHHH, BRIGHTNESS!

CHIPS:
NOO! C.J.! GET UP!

C.J.:
[rolls out of the way]

ANDY:
[crazy war cry]

C.J.:
[Xena yell]

LEO:
What's with all the yelling!? Why don't they just get it over with?

GINGA:
I don't know but... it's kinda weird that they're just circling each other. Looking mean.

C.J.:
I'm gonna take your fuckin' head, Andy!

ORANGE:
They're ANIMALSSSSSS.

GINGA:
[gasp] Language! LANGUAGE! There are kids here!

[everything turns black and white]

CHIPS:
Whoa! Check it out! I'm in an old movie.

MOLLY:
[continues to cry]

GINGA:
WHAT HAPPENED!?

ANDY:
BRING IT, BITCH! [twirls the machete]

GINGA:
GAH, I DON'T ENJOY BEING IN MONOCHROME!

HUCK:
...[tugs on LEO's shirt, his face suggesting he has been pondering something for a while] Uncle Leo, what's "fuckin'" mean?

LEO:
Oh jeez.

GINGA:
It's what a mommy and daddy do when one doesn't accuse the other of being sad.

TOBY:
Could you maybe not teach my children... anything?

C.J.:
[holds her sword steady in front of her] I was wondering, just between us girls... what did you say to Aaron Sorkin for him to snatch out your SOUL?

CHIPS:
[chanting while pelting the still-melting mashmallow man with olives] Andy is the Devil, Andy is the Devil...

ANDY:
Well, how many men did you have to screw to become Chief of Staff?

TOBY:
Andrea, are you completely insane!?

C.J.:
I don't know, Andy. How many did you have to screw to get on Desperate Housewives?

ANDY:
[lunges at her, trying to stab her]

ORANGE:
RUN, C.J.! SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU!

TOBY:
Can we turn off this black and white texture? It's making Andy look sick.

GINGA:
I think this may be a sign that there's gonna be blood, so, no.

CHIPS:
[plays with the 'technicolour' switch] Black and White, Colour, Black and White, Colour!

ORANGE:
[spazzes out] MY EYES!

GINGA:
THE COLORS, DUKE, THE COLORS! [flail]

C.J.:
[gets distracted and also flails]

CHIPS:
[tosses ORANGE a pair of 3-D glasses] This is freakier.

ORANGE:
AM I ON ACID!?

C.J.:
[covers her eyes and hides behind a tree]

ANDY:
[stumbles around, dazed]

JOSH:
Heeey, lemme see. [snatches the 3-D glasses]

CHIPS:
ANDY'S STUNNED BY MY CRAZY LIGHTING! GET HER, C.J.!

C.J.:
I... I can't see straight! [pokes her sword out and tries to stab something with it]

CHIPS:
[stops playing with the switch and leaves in it black and white]

ORANGE:
Come on, C.J.! Now's your chance!

C.J.:
[sees ANDY and runs for her. She jumps up in the air, katana raised above her head, with super slow-motion action!]

ANDY:
[backflips and kicks C.J. in the chin]

C.J.:
OH, CRAP! [crashes to the ground]

TOBY:
[stares at ANDY] I didn't know she could do that...

CHIPS:
With moves like that it's no wonder your marriage didn't work.

C.J.:
[kicks ANDY's legs]

ANDY:
[falls to the ground]

HUCK:
[mouth open in awe, he quickly flings a fish into the mix]

CHIPS:
Oh yay, Huck! You learn fast! [hugs him]

C.J.:
[spears the fish instead of ANDY] Damn it!

ANDY:
[tucks and rolls out of danger]

CHIPS:
Uh-oh, now we're in trouble. [hides in a hollow log with HUCK]

C.J.:
[slashes in a downward direction and ends up cutting half of ANDY's hair off.]

GINGA:
Oh my! Half of Andy's hair has been completely sheared away!

ANDY:
Not only do you suck at leading you suck at cutting hair, too! Do you have any talent?

C.J.:
I can assure you that it's somewhere in the White House! But hey, at least I'm not a whore of Congress!

ANDY:
[screams and lunges]

CHIPS:
[randomly feels the urge to scream] MARYLAND!

C.J.:
WIS-FUCKING-CONSIN! [stabs ANDY in the stomach]

ORANGE:
[gasps] Oh my God! Is it deep!?

C.J.:
[drives the katana in further] Mmmaybe.

ANDY:
[holds stomach and gasps]

[ANDY falls dramatically to the ground, in special slow-mo style]

GINGA:
[mouth drops, lip quivers] It really was a Hattori Hanzo sword...

LEO:
What the hell are you going on about?

ORANGE:
OH MY GOD! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!

CHIPS:
[unable to look away] Can you really lose that much blood...?

GINGA:
HIDE THE KIDS! UM, DON'T WORRY, THAT RED STUFF'S JUST JELL-O, YOU GUYS!

[Suddenly, a large red Jell-o mold comes crashing down onto ANDY. It wiggles.]

GINGA:
Um. [stares at the Jell-o]

HUCK:
[points and squeals] JELL-O!

LEO:
And Camp David continues to work its magic.

ORANGE:
AAHH, WHERE'S STANLEY! I NEED TO TALK THIS OUT! I NEED TO HUG THIS OUT! [curls into a ball]

MOLLY:
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ANDY suddenly re-appears beside her and she gasps before jumping up and down, yelling] I WANT A PONY!

CHIPS:
...Does this mean C.J. wins?

ORANGE:
Jell-o... Jell-o every where [has the crazy eye]

C.J.:
Jeez, Andy, you alright? I guess I didn't originally intend to stab you.

ANDY:
I'm never doing this again.

JOSH:
You sure, Congresswoman? I mean, now we've got Jell-o...

C.J.:
Okay, whatever. Toby? Let's go get smashed.

ANDY:
Molly, do you and Huck want to go get some ice cream?

MOLLY and HUCK:
YEAH! [they jump up and down]

TOBY:
Okay, let's go. I'm gonna have four Jack Daniels, what are you gonna have?

C.J.:
A Grasshopper, of course!

[A huge grasshopper - the insect, not the drink - comes crashing down out of the sky.]

GRASSHOPPER:
CHIRP.

ORANGE:
[screams]

CHIPS:
OH MY GOD!

ORANGE:
[pees a little]

GINGA:
[points] HOPPERZILLA!

ORANGE:
HOOBASTAAAANK!

CHIPS:
RUN AWAY!

GINGA:
[dashes away into the distance]

ORANGE:
[stares, then dashes]

CHIPS:
FIIIIISH! [throws a fish at the grasshopper]

GRASSHOPPER:
[eats the fish whole]

LEO:
Josh, I think you should stay. [sprints away]

GRASSHOPPER:
[screams like a lion]

JOSH:
...yikes... this is bad. [high-tails it outta there]

C.J.:
Ahahaha... [pulls TOBY along with her as she runs away]

TOBY:
Ow. Owowow! Slow down! Your legs are too long; I can't keep up with you!

GINGA:
[as she's running] OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR THIS TIME! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER! GAH! [runs faster]

GRASSHOPPER:
RRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR

[The giant grasshopper knocks the camera down, disrupting the transmission. The screen fizzles a moment before going black.]

[TITLE CARD: The flamingo rejoined her Topol, and all is right in the White House.]

[FADE OUT]

Executive Producers
Fuyu Ginga
Orangespaces
Forensic Angel
YOUR FACE!

And as a special treat because this took so long... this time we have... bloopers!

---

C.J.
[giggles hysterically] I'm sorry, I just... I can't when she's... [collapses in a fit of laughter]

ANDY:
[turns around with Jell-o looking like it's coming out of her nose] What?

---

GINGA:
[screaming] NO, HUCK, NO, THE MARSHMALLOW GOES ON MY ARM, NOT IN MY HAIR!

---

ORANGE:
[runs away from the grasshopper]

[trips]

---

TOBY:
[gazing up at the Kill Toby picture] What does this have to do with anything that just happened here? Shouldn't it be Kill Will or something?

WILL:
[pops in] HEY!

---

C.J.:
[she jumps in the air, lands, and holds out her sword, whereupon the blade promptly falls off. She laughs hysterically.]

---

[C.J. and ANDY are circling each other, when AINSLEY dances across the screen in her bathrobe.]

AINSLEY:
BLAME IT ON THE BOSSA NOVA! WITH HIS MAGIC SPELL!

---

JOSH:
[stares into the camera and says] POOOOOOORN.

---

[C.J. and ANDY mock-sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"]

TOBY:
[facing the camera] This is what happens when women watch movies.

---

GINGA:
MICROPHONE! I NEEEEEED YOU!

[the mic drops onto her head]

Oh... ow.

---

CHIPS:
So I hit you with the fish?

ORANGE:
Yeah, but not too hard... hey... are we rolling?

CAMERAMAN STEVE:
Yeah.

ORANGE:
Oh...

...Do you want me to do something?

---

Final Tally:
C.J. - 7
Andy - 2
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