sir, echofon is a program, not a device. (gingasaur) wrote in the_death_wing,
sir, echofon is a program, not a device.
gingasaur
the_death_wing

  • Mood:

Fight 4 - C.J. vs. Josh





[FADE IN: GINGA and ORANGE are meandering around on the platform in the White House Press Room, oohing and aahing. They take special care to walk gingerly around the podium.]

ORANGE:
LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

GINGA:
...the air? [sniff] Huh. Gotta love that press room air conditioning.

ORANGE:
[runs up to the podium and smells it] Oh my Gawwwwd, this is where C.J. stood for 5 seasons!

GINGA:
[reaches a hand out and touches the side of the podium, then jumps back and screams] OH DEAR GOD, I TOUCHED THE PODIUM! [squeals]

ORANGE:
[stands on tip-toes to speak into the mic] Testing, 1, 2, 3.

GINGA:
[shoves ORANGE out of the way] HELLO GENTLEMEN! ALL YOUR C-SPAN ARE BELONG TO US!

ORANGE:
HEY! [runs and tackles GINGA's knees, causing her to fall over] NOT SO TALL NOW!

GINGA:
[gasps and chomps down on ORANGE's leg] If I'm getting taken down to 5'2'', you're coming with me!

ORANGE:
I'm only 5'1''!

GINGA:
Well, then I'm takin' you down to Annabeth's height! HAHA!

[Suddenly, a ridiculous amount of feedback fills the press room.]

GINGA:
AH! NO! MY EARS!

ORANGE:
[flails]

LEO:
[walks down the steps in the back and up to the platform] Why do I always walk in the room to see you two about to tear each other's hair out?

ORANGE:
[massages ears] It was a love tap, Leo!

LEO:
Whatever. I don't care. [brandishes his microphone and tosses it up and down] What have we got tonight?

ORANGE:
A 6-foot tall lady and a man with a receding hairline.

GINGA:
Yep. [whips out microphone and faces the camera] Tonight we indeed have the sexiest of the middle-aged sex kittens battling it out here in the White House's lovely press room, otherwise known as C.J.'s territory. So basically, that could be considered foreshadowing, couldn't it?

LEO:
Back up. Middle-aged sex kittens?

ORANGE:
[snorts] Yeah! Middle-aged sex kittens! We should define that on UrbanDictionary.com. Middle-Aged Sex Kittens (n.) - The Bartlet senior staff. Now hopefully no one will pull a Josiah today.

GINGA:
[waggles eyebrows] Aren't you proud to be SAM right now?

LEO:
[trying desperately to change the subject] Ohhhkay. So.

ORANGE:
Yes indeed, I am proud of that. Good thing I don't have a Claudia right now, though; that would be uncomfortable.

LEO:
I seriously hope people don't go looking these things up on that god-awful site now.

GINGA:
You know what we never did look up? ...Leo.

LEO:
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

ORANGE:
[screams and runs in a circle] Ah, I wanna knoooow!

LEO:
No, no you really don't. Besides, I didn't give a fight prediction the last time, so I'm going to give one now. You wanna hear it or not?

ORANGE:
[stops and runs over to LEO, reaching up and slowly rubbing his temples] Tell us, oh mighty Leo, who will win?

LEO:
First of all... do not ever give me a Lucky Head Rub ever again. Second, I think everyone knows the answer to that question already. Third, C.J. could kill us all, so Josh is just small potatoes for her.

GINGA:
You could really make that into... quite a naughty statement there.

ORANGE:
Hee, you said 'nawwwtay'.

GINGA:
Leo said 'small potatoes'.

ORANGE:
[giggles, then clears throat] But it all seriousness, yes, C.J. will win.

GINGA:
Of course. This is C.J. we're talking about. There is no way she wouldn't win!

ORANGE:
Before they arrive... I... I sort of... I need to come clean about something. [her eyes begin to water] I... I... I voted for Josh!

GINGA:
[smirks] A vote of sympathy, most likely.

ORANGE:
Well, yeah, had to make him feel good.

GINGA:
I do love Josh so dearly... but... he obviously fears C.J. more than anyone else!

LEO:
There is not one person in this White House who doesn't fear C.J.

GINGA:
Exactly. She glares at him once, he's gone. Not even Donna could help him out then.

ORANGE:
Not unless he becomes a... .\ _ /. <-- POWER RANGER! [jumps around giddy]

GINGA:
Ooh, I wonder what dinosaur he would be.

ORANGE:
OH MY SHEEN! JOSHATANG!

GINGA:
YES! Joshatang would be the best name for a Power Ranger!

ORANGE:
He would have deadly... mistake power?

GINGA:
Deadly SECRET power... of secret plans... that he doesn't support.

JOSH:
[walks into the room, hands in his pockets] You better not be talking about my face behind my back!

GINGA:
Hey, Josh! Were you able to get your hands on any porn?

JOSH:
No, but, you know, I'm tryin'. [sighs] You think Toby has any?

LEO:
I wish I could rid myself of the image you just planted in my mind.

ORANGE:
Same here, Leo. Same here.

C.J.:
[off-screen, and muffled] Toby and porn? Kinky. [a trap door in the press room platform pops open, and C.J.'s pokes her head out before jumping up onto the platform]

JOSH:
Jesus! What the hell? Magic, much? Did we always have that?

ORANGE:
Must you ask so many questions?

C.J.:
Oh, Josh, you have no idea of the magic I work.

GINGA:
Oh! Oh! [jumps up and down] There's a picture with the trap door! I've seen it!

ORANGE:
[thinks] Oh, I know I have it somewhere!

JOSH:
Did it... just get weird in here?

C.J.:
[dashes over, puts her arm around JOSH's neck, and starts giving him a noogie] NOOGIE NOOGIE NOOGIE!

JOSH:
AH! You're making my scalp raw!

ORANGE:
[falls to the floor laughing, and ends up rolling into the trap door] AAH! [thump] ...Ow.

C.J.:
Eeeheeheehee! Noogie!

JOSH:
Stop! My hair's limited! I'm gonna go bald!

LEO:
[rolls eyes]

ORANGE:
[off-screen] A little help? It's dark down here!

C.J.:
If I noogie you enough, I'll have two Tobys! You're both Jewish, so now all you need to be is bald!

ORANGE:
[off-screen, laughs hysterically]

TOBY:
[over the loudspeaker] Excuse me! I am balding. [he waves from the back of the press room behind the glass, where pretty much everyone who can fit in there is watching. Interns and the entire press corps alike are crammed behind the window, tossing popcorn to each other and elbowing one another for more room.]

JOSH:
[steps on C.J.'s foot] [to TOBY] No, you're bald! With sideburns.

C.J.:
OW! Don't make me S.I.N.G. you! I've seen Miss Congeniality! I know how to do it!

JOSH:
You S.I.N.G. me, I'll go Hebrew on you!

C.J.:
I don't even think you know any Hebrew!

GINGA:
[flips microphone on] Annnnd they're off! We seem to have a very full house here tonight [gazes over to the swarm of people in the back] and we've got the beginnings of a fannnntastic fight!

ORANGE:
[still off-screen, but cheerily] And I'm trapped in a bunker!

JOSH:
Why are you so hostile!? Is it that time of the month!?

LEO:
[flips microphone on and looks into the camera] You would think they could have nice, civilized conversations before they start this insanity.

ORANGE:
[makes her way up out of the trap door] If they did that then it wouldn't be any fun!

C.J.:
THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!? [knees JOSH in the stomach] FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THAT TIME FOR ME TO KICK YOUR ASS!

JOSH:
[in a small, gasping voice] Holy crap, C.J.! [falls over]

ORANGE:
[holding her microphone] And Josh sounded like a girl just then!

[The press corps cheer and scribble madly in their notepads]

C.J.:
[takes a bow] Thank you, thank you! [waltzes over to the trap door, opens it, and jumps inside]

GINGA:
Whoa! What the hell? Where does C.J. think she's going?

JOSH:
OH NO YOU DON'T! IT'S NOT OVER! [runs over and tackles her down into the trap door]

[The door swings shut. The sounds of thumping, screaming, and spraying of cheese whizz are heard inside.]

ORANGE:
DIR-TAY.

GINGA:
Uh-oh. You know what? I think that's where we left... our box of props... [slowly turns to ORANGE and LEO, looking worried]

LEO:
You mean that thing from the very first fight with all that crap in it?

ORANGE:
OH MY GOD, GET THEM OUT OF THERE!

[Suddenly the noise of an engine running is heard below the door.]

C.J.:
[off-screen] ALLOW ME TO SHAAAAAVE OFF THE REST OF YOUR HAIR, YOU ELITIST [the door swings open] HARVARD FACIST [a chainsaw blade glistens in the light] MISSED-THE-DEAN'S-LIST-TWO-SEMESTERS-IN-A-ROW [C.J. climbs out of the trap door, holding the chainsaw above her head] YANKEE [she swings it] JACKASS!

ORANGE:
[passes out]

JOSH:
[Suddenly JOSH looks different... for in those moments below the trap door he became... JOSHATANG!] YOU PARANOID [brandishes laser gun] BERKELY [puts on utility belt] SHIKSA FEMINISTA! [screams a battle cry]

GINGA:
AHAHA! JOSH HAS MORPHED INTO A POWER RANGER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

LEO:
Are you sure that's a Power Ranger? His costume's a little funny.

GINGA:
Oh, yeah... now that you mention it... he's just wearing one of those little plastic Red Ranger masks.

ORANGE:
[takes a picture] It'll last longer! [puts camera away in favor of the microphone and yells] BUT STILL! HE IS JOSHATANG, THE MIGHTIEST OF THE POWER RANGERS! We shall call him... J.TANG!

J.TANG:
[does crazy Jackie Chan moves]

C.J.:
[cringes and steps backward] Come on, you're just wearing a stupid mask! If he's Joshatang, then what the hell does that make me!?

GINGA:
Put on the Pink Ranger mask and maybe we'll find out!

C.J.:
NO WAY! [lifts the chainsaw above her head, the blade whirling with full force, and tosses it at J.TANG.]

J.TANG:
[blocks the chainsaw with his metal fist] HA!

C.J.:
Yikes! [steps back hearing the giant metal clanging noise]

[The chainsaw goes crashing to the ground, whereupon the blade sinks into the floor and begins to madly saw a path through it.]

LEO:
[jumps out of the way] LOOK OUT!

ORANGE:
It's the devil!

CHAINSAW:
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Everyone in the back sees the chainsaw careening towards them through the floor, screams, and high-tails it out of the press room. The chainsaw follows them.]

GINGA:
C.J., did you maybe infuse the chainsaw with some of that feminista energy?

ORANGE:
For reals... [looks to J.TANG] KILL IT!

J.TANG:
[does that crazy Power Ranger arm swooshy dance thing]

ORANGE:
Haaaa, I can't believe you know how to do that, Josh!

J.TANG:
[whines] It's J.Tang!

C.J.:
[rolls up sleeves] All right, that's it!

LEO:
[steps waaaay back, almost tripping over one of the chairs] Clear the area!

ORANGE:
[sweat falls from brow]

C.J.:
[a spotlight falls on her, she puts the back of her hand on her forehead dramatically] There are only two options left for me... and the first...

[The lighting returns to normal as C.J. runs over to the trap door and hauls out a boombox.]

ORANGE:
No she is not...

J.TANG:
[presses mask tighter to face] You'rearangerYou'rearangerYou'rearangerYou'rearangerYou'rearanger...

C.J.:
THE FIRST IS THE DANCE OF SEDUCTION!

[She pushes a button, darts in front of J.TANG, and smiles as "I'm Too Sexy" comes on. LEO smacks a hand to his forehead as she does her little dance from "Gone Quiet"]

C.J.:
I'm. Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my skirt. Too sexy for the other. Things. [waggles eyebrows]

J.TANG:
[looks away and presses the mask to his face even more] No! I'm a Power Ranger! I can beat her!

ORANGE:
She's too sexy for this match!

GINGA:
[fans face] Have I been living just for this moment!?

LEO:
I can't... tear my eyes away... [eyes glaze over]

ORANGE:
I want to lick her... J.TANG! Lick her for me!

J.TANG:
NO! [mumbles] Go ranger, go ranger, go!

[J.TANG soon finds he can't take it anymore, the lack of porn getting to him, and steps closer to C.J.]

C.J.:
I'm. Too sexy for my shoes. Too sexy for the blues, too sexy! [dance dance]

J.TANG:
[dances a little]

C.J.:
[smirks and knees J.TANG in the groin]

J.TANG:
[eyes widen] SWEET LOVE OF THINGS, MY LOVE MACHINE! [begins sinking to the floor] YOU'RE A SICK, SICK WOMAN, CLAUDIA JEAN...

C.J.:
[dances over to the boombox and turns off the music]

J.TANG:
[on the floor, crying] I'm a ranger, I'm a ranger...

C.J.:
[Hops into the trap door again, and comes out with a bottle of beer and two glasses] Oh, Josh, you need a little alcohol to alleviate that pain? [watches him squirm on the floor]

J.TANG:
YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME! I'VE SEEN THE MOVIES!

C.J.:
[ignores him and begins pouring beer into one of the glasses]

J.TANG:
...Screw it, are they cold?

C.J.:
Yep.

J.TANG:
Gimme two... I think they're swelling.

LEO:
[he grimaces as the words 'small potatoes' pop into his mind]

ORANGE:
[read's LEO's mind and laughs]

LEO:
[eyes widen] Hey! How are you doing that!? Stop!

ORANGE:
I'm... MAGIC! [spirit fingers!]

J.TANG:
[holds one of the bottles C.J. handed him between his legs and lifts his mask up a little to get a drink of the other]

GINGA:
[dejectedly turns microphone off] But what about the fight? [sad face]

J.TANG:
YAY BOOZE!

ORANGE:
[looks around for a minute before hastily making a "YAY BOOZE" icon]

C.J.:
Oh, the fight's still on, Ginga. [gulps down some more beer] I'M DRINKIN' YOU UNDER THE TABLE, LYMAN! And that's the second option!

J.TANG:
OH, IT'S ONNNN. [chugs]

GINGA:
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

J.TANG:
I can go all night long!

GINGA:
[flops down into one of the chairs and grins excitedly]

ORANGE:
Oh, God, one of them is going to drown.

J.TANG:
ONCE IT HITS YOUR LIPS, IT'S SO GOOD! [whips off his mask and chugs more]

LEO:
I'm not helping anyone who ends up with alcohol poisoning.

C.J.:
[pulls a giant beer bong out of the trap door and starts pouring beer down the funnel]

ORANGE:
[whips her camera back out and takes more pictures]

C.J.:
[takes a breath] YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BADLY I'LL KICK YOUR ASS AT THIS, MR. SENSITIVE SYSTEM!

JOSH:
[tosses down his bottle and runs over in slow motion, beer gut flapping. He tackles C.J., wrestling the beer bong out of her hands, and shoves it into his mouth.]

C.J.:
[goes tumbling backwards off the platform]

JOSH:
[begins pouring beer over himself instead] OH SWEET AMBER LIQUID!

GINGA:
[cringe] Eew! Now it's gonna smell like beer in here forever!

C.J.:
[climbs back onto the platform, still chugging] I'm gonna get you SO bad!

JOSH:
[begins getting tipsy] You say that, Grrrregg, but you haven't seen the bunny yet! [he begins to drink a little slower, distracted by C.J.'s chugging] You are very attractive, you know that? [he staggers over to C.J. and pinches her cheeks together]

C.J.:
[slightly muffled] Well, not so much now with you pinching my cheeks like that.

JOSH:
I would love to kiss you, [lets go of her face and turns away dramatically] but I can't. [stumbles and falls off of the platform]

C.J.:
[peers over the edge of the platform and whistles, slowly side-stepping over to the podium, which she shoves off the platform and onto JOSH. It crashes noisily.]

ORANGE:
[mumbles] My secret OTP almost kissed! CAN I HAVE AN INSTANT REPLAY!?

GINGA:
[blinks and stares at Josh squished under the podium, and looks over to C.J., who takes another sip of beer, finishing off the bottle]

ORANGE:
[stares at JOSH] J.Tang?

JOSH:
[groans, wiggles, and passes out]

C.J.:
[tosses the beer bottle away and swoons slightly]

GINGA:
You know what that's called, don't you?

ORANGE:
Oh. Yeah. Josh, I do believe you've just been...

GINGA & ORANGE:
[simultaneously] FLAMINGOWNED!

LEO:
We need some cleaning people in here to clean up the beer.

GINGA:
C.J. wins, C.J. wins! Yaaaay!

ORANGE:
C.J.! You've won 3 fights in a row! [runs to jump up on the platform] YOU'RE QUEEN OF THE DEATH WING! [sticks microphone in her face] HOW DO YOU FEEL!?

C.J.:
What!? Oh my God! [giggles like a schoolgirl]

LEO:
You did good, kid! [walks up onto the platform]

GINGA:
[scrambles up the platform] C.J., can I have your autograph!?

ORANGE:
BRING IN THE ROYAL STUFF!

[CAROL, MARGARET, BONNIE, and GINGER run into the room, each of them holding something. They run up to the platform and stand in a line in front of C.J.]

CAROL:
C.J., since you won 3 fights in a row and therefore are ineligible to fight again for a while, we're proud to crown you the Queen of The Death Wing!

MARGARET:
[steps forward holding the crown, and places it on C.J.'s head] Leo told me to tell you that you better not break the crown. Apparently it's really expensive.

CAROL:
And here's a nice fluffy royal cape to go with it! [puts the cape around C.J.'s shoulders]

GINGER:
I've got the special pimp cane! [she hands C.J. a red cane to match the color of the crown and the cape. It is indeed a pimp cane that's about half C.J.'s size.]

BONNIE:
And here's a little tiny crown that you can put in Gail's bowl. [hands over a mini version of the crown C.J.'s wearing]

C.J.:
[squeals and hugs the pimp cane] Oh, this is too much!

[She runs down, picks the podium up off of JOSH, dashes back up and puts it in its rightful position]

C.J.:
[adjusts the microphone] You love me! You really love me! [sniffs] I'd like to thank The Cartographers For Social Equality, the city of Washington D.C., Pepperidge Farm...

GINGA:
And that's the end!

ORANGE:
C.J. is indeed our winner, and is now the Queen of The Death Wing!

GINGA:
Unfortunately, yeah, since she is the Queen, now we've gotta have two completely different challengers next time.

ORANGE:
Until then-

LEO:
Stay sober. For the love of God, stay sober.

ORANGE:
Haha, see you later! [waves]

[FADE OUT]

...

[...FADE IN]

[TOBY is at the head of a crowd, and they're behind him, crammed behind a corner of the bullpen.]

TOBY:
Shut up, shut UP, all of you! I can't hear it; I can't tell where it is!

CROWD:
EEK, AAH, [pisses pants] ETC!

STEVE:
Toby, if my newspaper needs to write a story on how I was found sawed in half by a-

TOBY:
IF YOU'D ALL SHUT UP, THAT WON'T HAPPEN!

[The crowd is silent for a minute... and everyone hears a quiet...]

CHAINSAW:
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

CROWD:
[screams]

TOBY:
Son of a bitch!

[The CHAINSAW comes roaring around the corner, still sawing a path straight through the floor, and the CROWD, with TOBY leading them, high-tails it out of the bullpen.]

CHAINSAW:
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

[the sound of the CHAINSAW's engine and the CROWD's screaming slowly dies away as we]

[FADE OUT FOR REAL]

Executive Producers:
Fuyu Ginga
Orangespaces
Leo McGarry
The Megazord

Final Tally:
C.J. - 7
Josh - 2
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic
  • 3 comments