( ✩ Y ✩ ) (janneys) wrote in the_death_wing,
( ✩ Y ✩ )
janneys
the_death_wing

Fight 5: Sam vs Mallory

Happy New Year and welcome back to The Death Wing everyone!!!!



[FADE IN]

[It is dark. A spotlight turns on, revealing GINGA. She slowly raises her head in an overly melodramatic way and begins to speak.]

GINGA
Once upon a time... The Death Wing went on hiatus.

[Orange then emerges in the same way GINGA did]

ORANGE
It was a dark, uncertain time. People whispering to each other: "Where's the death wing?" "What happened to our beloved death wing?"

[A spotlight then shines on LEO]

LEO
People said that? I don't remember that. [Scowls]

GINGA
[Whispering loudly] Go with it.

ORANGE
[Pinches LEO] Why must you resist the flow?

LEO
... [Takes out a 2x4 from behind his back and glares at ORANGE] Don't even make me come close to doing what I want to do with this.

ORANGE
Whoa! Hey! This is "THE DEATH WING" NOT "Beat your fellow commentators with a 2x4"

LEO
It could change. It could change very quickly.

ORANGE
NO! 'Cause Ginga and I make the rules and you're... you're just the guy that does the thing!

GINGA
So, okay, um.

LEO
Oh, don't even start that with me.

ORANGE
It's a new year and I'll start whatever my little heart pleases! You're only 5 inches taller than me McGarry. I love you but not that much... well now that you took out that 2x4...

GINGA
ONLY 5 inches taller...?

ORANGE
Yeah, Leo's 5'6"!

GINGA
I'm taller, I'm taller! Heeeeen.

LEO
[Scowls and raises the 2x4 above his head]

GINGA
UM, I THINK THAT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.

ORANGE
BRING IT ON! [Puffs out chest]

GINGA
SO OKAY THIS ONE TIME WE WENT ON HIATUS AND SOME PEOPLE WERE LIKE "WTF" BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY INSPIRATION FOR THIS SO WE LET IT REST BUT NOW WE HAVE SOME AGAIN AND-

LEO
OH, THE CAPS, IT HURTS MY EYES!

GINGA
YOU SHOULD TALK!


ORANGE
IT'S LIKE PAPER CUTS ON MY EYES!

LEO
Whatever. We didn't feel like entertaining the people who actually bother to stick around; that's really the gist of it.

GINGA
Boy, that's certainly one way of putting it. I kinda hoped we could make it... I don't know...

LEO
I wasn't going to sugar coat it.


ORANGE
Have you ever sugar coated anything in your life, Leo?

LEO
Well, Mallory and I made cupcakes once and I spread the frosting on most of them.

ORANGE
Aw, that's sweet! Where they any good?

MALLORY
They were, actually.
[MALLORY walks into the room and the spotlights fade. She is dressed as a Sailor Senshi, specifically Sailor Mars. GINGA squeals happily and LEO's mouth drops.]

LEO
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!

MALLORY
[Frowns] Dad...

ORANGE
[Giggles]

[A crash is heard and everyone looks around. The spot light catches SAM who is scrunched over having tripped on his cape]

SAM
OW! I'm okay! [Puts hands up to show everyone that he is, in fact, okay]

ORANGE
Are you... Robin?

LEO
What the hell is he wearing? What the hell is my daughter wearing? What the hell is this?!

ORANGE
This, Leo, is The Death Wing. Sam is Robin and your daughter is...[Whispers] Ginga, what's Mallory again?

GINGA
She's Sailor Mars and in the name of Mars, she'll chastise you!

LEO
Well, thanks for clearing up the fact that this was The Death Wing. 'cause I had NO idea.

ORANGE
Sarcasm isn't a good color on you Leopold.

C.J.
That's right; it's a good color on me, YOUR ALMIGHTY QUEEN! BOW BEFORE ME AND DANCE, VERMIN, DAAAANCE! HAHAHAHA!

[C.J. leaps down from the rafters wearing her cape, crown, and twirling the pimp cane]


ORANGE
C.J: MAN WALKER RANGER! How may I serve you! *bows*

C.J.
What did you just- [she turns to Sam] WHAT did she call me!?

SAM
I believe she called you; "man walker ranger".

C.J.
ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I WALK LIKE A MAN!?

ORANGE
After long hours of watching The West Wing on repeat I have determined you have a man gait that is in NO WAY unattractive. You walk out kind of, like a man kind of.

C.J.
I WALK OUT KIND OF LIKE A MAN?

GINGA
Kind of.

C.J.
WHAT THE HELL!?

ORANGE
It isn't unattractive!!!

C.J.
[Turns to SAM with tears in her eyes] SAM! YOU DON'T THINK I WALK LIKE A MAN, DO YOU!?

SAM
Well... umm... [Looks around and then runs to MALLORY and slaps her] Hey look! I'm kicking Mal's ass!

MALLORY
Heeeey! That's the lamest fight-starter I've ever seen. [Kicks SAM in the shin with her red high-heels]

SAM
OW! [Rubs shin] YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! [Tackles MALLORY, cape flowing behind him]

GINGA
Ah, the smell of a fight in the air. It's so good to smell it again! ...Even though it kinda smells like BO a little.

ORANGE
[Inhales deeply] MMM, musty

LEO
I don't think I've ever told you two before just how DISGUSTING YOU ARE!

ORANGE
[Stares blankly at LEO] ... Well, okay--HOLY HELL LOOK AT SAM!

SAM
[Goes for MALLORY's hair]

ORANGE
Sam fights like a girl...

C.J.
[Smacks Orange on the head with her pimp cane] If he were fighting like a girl, Mallory's head would be detached from her body, SO I SUGGEST REPHRASING YOUR SENTENCE.

ORANGE
HEY! I'm a girl; I'm just sayin' he fights like a little bitch. AND YOU WALK LIKE A MAN so I don't know why you are all [gestures wildly]

C.J.
COME A LITTLE CLOSER AND SAY THAT

GINGA
Oh shit ORANGE VS. C.J.!

ORANGE
BRING IT ON FLAMINGO!

LEO
NO, WE'RE HERE TO SEE MY DAUGHTER KICK SAM'S ASS. REFOCUS YOUR ATTENTION NOW.

ORANGE
DO NOT WANT [Glares at C.J.]

C.J.
[Glares back and sticks tongue out]

MALLORY:
[Suddenly flies down on a rope and kicks Sam in the face]

GINGA
Oh, oh, do want. [Holds out her microphone so it can pick up the CRRAAASSSSHHHHH noise]

SAM
[Whimpers and stumbles around] Take those damn shoes off! [Uses SUPER COOL ACTION BELT and grabs silly string and a bamboo shoot]

MALLORY
[Whips out an anti-evil talisman, rips some tape off the GIANT TAPE DISPENSER NEARBY and...] OH HELL! The tape's as big as my head!

SAM
[Catapults off the bamboo and sprays the string in MALLORY's face then twirls the bamboo and whacks her in the back... like a ninja! All the while making crazy action sounds]

MALLORY
ACK! [Becomes trapped in a mound of silly string]

SAM
Meet your doom O'Brien-McGarry!

MALLORY
FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [still in the mound of silly string] SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL! [The silly string pile erupts into flames, and MALLORY flies out from the mass of fire, and delivers a punch right into SAM's nose]

GINGA
YESSSS! This is officially awesome now that Mallory has used a patented Sailor Mars attack.

ORANGE
WHOA SHE'S A FIRERY RED HEAD! [Laughs]

SAM
It BUUUUURRRRRNS

MALLORY
[Laughs manically]

SAM
You are frightening!

MALLORY
[Whips out the anti-evil charm again and licks the back of it] Frightening, maybe, BUT OWNING YOU, DEFINITELY! [She flies over and sticks the charm on his forehead]

SAM
Ahhh! WHAT IS GOING ON! [Runs around] SHE USED WITCH CRAFT ON ME! IS THAT ALLOWED! [Flails]

GINGA
Haha! It seems Sam cannot defeat the power of the anti-evil charm!

LEO
I'm so proud of you, Mallory. Although I wanted the pleasure of killing him myself.

SAM
IM NOT DEAD YET [Grows tired but still goes in circles until he collapses].

MALLORY
Oh, wake up. [She snaps her fingers and the charm bursts into flames]

SAM
I'm alive? [Runs hands on face and chest]

LEO
GET HIM, MAL!

MALLORY
[Runs over and stands on the giant tape dispenser] AND NOW, HERE COMES THE PAIN!

SAM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1

MALLORY
In the NOT name of school vouchers... I'LL PUNISH YOU!

GINGA
EVERYBODY HIDE!

ORANGE
[Covers eyes but peeks]

GINGA
[Ducks behind a table and shoves ORANGE under it, WKODHIB-style]

ORANGE
[Does slow-mo C.J. face]

LEO
[Dives behind the table and peeks over the edge of the table]

MALLORY
[Begins making a lot of wild gestures] MARS! FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

GINGA
OH GOD HERE IT COMES!

ORANGE
IM SCURRED!

SAM
Save ME!

MALLORY
SSSNNNIIIIIIPPPPPPPEEEEEEERRRRRR! [A super huge flame arrow flies at Sam]

GINGA
Ohhh noes, SAM! GO TO THE BATMOBILE!

ORANGE
[Covers eyes] RUN SAM!

LEO
Hahaha, he better get out of there before he gets his sorry ass torched BY MY DAUGHTER! [Stands up and waves a "GO MAL" flag]

ORANGE
I am afraid on so many levels [drops head]

MALLORY
[...watches the arrow now flying slowly across the air so it doesn't interrupt the conversation] [taps foot]

SAM
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo[breathes]oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo[breathes]oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

GINGA
...this is very Strangers with Candy.

C.J.
[Finally peeks out from behind the table] The name Henry just popped into my head. I don't know why.

ORANGE
[Chokes back giggles]

GINGA
[Resists the urge to quote things and instead watches the fire creep closer to Sam]

MALLORY
OH, GET WITH THE PROGRAM ALREADY, YOU STUPID THING!

SAM
[Out of breath lays there and waits for...] DOOOOM! [The FIRE sort of pokes Sam's boot]

MALLORY
[Jumps off the giant tape dispenser and growls]

SAM
[Looks around] Oh C'MON [gets up] that's it I'm taking you down!

MALLORY
This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

C.J.
[Becomes hypnotized by the fire]

ORANGE
[Snaps her fingers] Man Walker! C'mon focus!

C.J.
[Mutters while still staring at the fire] It's talking to me... Ah...ahaha. You naughty thing, you; but, no, seriously, it's talking to me...

GINGA
[Gasps] What's it saying?

C.J.
It...

LEO
C'mon, spit it out!

C.J.
Shut up, I can't hear it!

C.J.
It's saying...

GINGA
[Leans in closer] It's saying...?

ORANGE
Well, what's it saying!

C.J.
It's saying... "Somebody's about the get root canal'd."

GINGA
... [Blinks]

LEO
...what?

ORANGE
I do not understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth

SAM
NOT MY TEETH [The FIRE suddenly picks up speed a little bit]

MALLORY
God, now we're talking.

SAM
[Runs from it]

ORANGE
[Yelling to him] what the hell Sam!!

[The FIRE flies after SAM]

SAM
[Catches on fire] HELP ME SMOKEY THE BEAR! [Stop, drops and rolls]

FIRE
Heen. [Puffs some smoke]

ORANGE
OH MY GAWD IT LIVES!

LEO
One day I'll stop being surprised by the things that happen here.

ORANGE
[Shaking LEO] It's alive!

LEO
[Is shaken] Ahhhhh!

SAM
IM ON FIIIRE! WHAT CAN I DO!

MALLORY
[Yawns] Too easy.

SAM
It pains!

ORANGE
I want a donut.

MALLORY
I want some coffee.

C.J.
I want to at least give Sam a fire extinguisher.

ORANGE
Maybe if we all spit on him we can put him out! [Jazz hands]

LEO
That's disgusting.

ORANGE
Note the jazz hands Leo, as in JOKE

LEO
You have a stupid sense of humor, kid

ORANGE
…Your mom has a stupid sense of humor.

LEO
Whatever [Eye roll]

C.J.
Seriously, shouldn't somebody be helping Sam? He seems to be in quite a lot of pain.

SAM
I smell like bacon!

GINGA
Oh, YUM! You don't know how in the mood I am for breakfast food right now!

SAM
Don't eat me, please! CJ help me.

C.J.
[Walks over and prods him in the stomach with her pimp cane]

SAM
Not. Helping. ... WATER! Get some water!

ORANGE
Can we get a "please"?

SAM
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

LEO
Christ, just put the kid out of his misery already.

ORANGE
[Walks over and soaks SAM with a hose]

SAM
Drowning! Drowing! Stop!

ORANGE
Alright, calm down, calm down, I'm turning it off.

C.J.
[Prods Sam's now-drenched stomach]

SAM
[Swats cane away and stands up]

C.J.
Hey, now, no reason to get rough with the cane. [Snuggles it protectively]

SAM
[Looks at CJ weird but moves on] I guess I lost?

ORANGE
In a very painful way

MALLORY
At least he kept most of his dignity.

ORANGE
He yelled out for Smokey the bear to save him… and he got his ass kicked by a woman... Again.

LEO
[Snickers]

SAM
I let her win. I could easily have ran faster

MALLORY
[Walks over and delivers a hard smack to the back of SAM's head]

SAM
OW! I thought this was over [rubs head]

LEO
Oh, it is. I'd say you made that perfectly clear, eh, Mal?

MALLORY
I do think I did, yes.

ORANGE
Yeah she pretty much owned him in this round.

SAM
Well if it is alright with you guys, this loser is going home to change and rethink my life.

GINGA
Oh, what a beautiful sentiment. [Sniff]

C.J.
"Rethink" your life?

LEO
What the hell does that mean?

SAM
I have had my ass beat by countless women, it's taking a toll on me. I need to think of new life options. I can't keep this up!

C.J.
[Snicker] Sam, this is why I love you to itty bitty pieces.

SAM
[Hangs head] I am never going to be able to have a girlfriend after this

MALLORY
Aww, I'm sure there'll be another Lisa that will torture you or something. Or a Laurie. Or perhaps even a Mallory.

SAM
Your hope for my future is so uplifting, Mal.

GINGA
So apparently we've reached the end... WHO WANTS TO TIE SAM UP WITH GIGANTIC TAPE!

ORANGE
I do!!

SAM
NO

C.J.
I do, I do! [Grins]

MALLORY
But of COURSE I'd be up for that.

LEO
Yeah, alright.

SAM
NO! [Steps away from the group]

MALLORY
Come on, Sam, be a sport.

SAM
I was when I agreed to fight you. Now that time has passed.

ORANGE
[Tackles SAM] GET HIM!!!

MALLORY
[Jumps in and laughs manically again]

SAM
NOO! GET OFF ME!!!

C.J.
[Jumps on top of everyone] CANNONBALL!

ORANGE
[From beneath everyone] MY BODY!

SAM
My ribs!

MALLORY
My... hair?

ORANGE
I cannot feel my toes! Wrap him and this show up! C.J. use your magical powers of winnerdom

C.J.
I suddenly feel too lazy to move.

LEO
[Sigh]

GINGA
Well, we've reached another end of another fight. We'll see you next time when somebody sees if they can take the wrath of Mallory.

ORANGE
I vote Ainsley so they can duke it out for the title of Sam's Pimp.

SAM
HEY!

GINGA
Wouldn't the title of Sam's Pimp make more sense if it was Laurie?

ORANGE
Well it would definitely be amusing!

GINGA
We'll see what happens. And [turns toward the camera and points] we'll see YOU next time!

ORANGE
[Flails hands from under the people] Bye!

LEO
See you later, kids. And don't try any of those pyrotechnics at home.

[FADE OUT]

Made Possible By:
Fuyu Ginga
Orangespaces
Pimp Canes Inc.
Viewers like you

Final Tally
Sam: 4
Mallory: 5
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic
  • 7 comments